May 28, 2020

Wow…what a journey!

I have gone back and reread a lot of my blogs and I have to admit…DAMN IAM ALL OVER THE PLACE!! I have come to realize in the past months (mostly due to being bed ridden after two major surgeries back to back) that I am severely depressed. I have the want to do things in my heart but my head could really careless. I do a lot of BS talk because I don’t want anyone feeling sorry for me. No one understands just how much I hate hearing the same things over and over, the same questions, the same statements…I can write a book about all of it. The one thing I think people don’t understand is the more positive verbiage you say to someone (and that they hear from 50 other people) actually starts turning into a negative. People say things just to say things because they think it helps…being silent helps a lot more sometimes!  I hate answering the same questions…how many ways can you say “NO, no change.” When you do NOTHING day in and day out but sit in your four walls at your house (somedays not even being able to move) …and someone says “So anything new?” or “So what did you do today?” Really…I have given you the SAME EXACT ANSWER FOR THE PAST 16 MONTHS…and then they question your answer…and then get upset with me because I have nothing different to say. Well…if you don’t like what I say…stop calling me and asking me the same flippin’ questions day in and day out!!

As an update – I am no longer in college, I got screwed financially by Keiser and then I can’t get all the financial assistance I need from Edison to conitinue, so that is on the back burner for a while. I am at 17 months of being unemployed and I am completely FLAT BROKE. I have had a total of 3 major surgeries this year (Feb, Aug and Nov). Due to those surgeries I hgave gained 25 pounds, which only makes things worse for physically and mentally! I have applied for disability, but have yet to hear a word. I am so disgusted by the government, it’s not even funny! I have come to find out, YET AGAIN, who my real friends are. I am single, and plan on staying that way for a while. I am not happy with me, so how can I be happy with anyone else. My heart has been severely used and abused (mostly by me letting it happen) and is needing to just be left alone for a long time. I am severely depressed and yet I can’t be in front of my daughter, so I do A LOT of pretending!!

Yeah…so this is me right now…HOW GREAT!!!

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