June 24, 2019

It’s been awhile

Well all I can say is I have been on a journey…I have had some medical issues come up, but with no insurance, I am limited to what can be done. I need surgery, but it will have to wait. I am in my 3rd college class, my first one was Computers (102%), and my second was American Lit (97%). Right now I am taking Biology and next month it’s Adv Bio, then finally my last pre-req course will be Statistics. Then I get a nice break til Jan 2012 when my core program begins!! I can’t wait!!! Right now I am jobless (again), but I am not stressing over it…I am praying and when the right job happens…it happens. As for anything else…life has been quite busy with just being a single mom to a very active daughter, school and taking time for me. Which is so nice.  I will be taking it up a notch in a month….I am going to be the healthiest I have been.

I should be a motivational speaker…or so many have told me…I have also been told I need to write a book. Those are both my weak traits…I guess its two things I need to start focusing on!!!

So sick of people opening their mouths and spewing garbage!!

I am so sick of inhumane individuals!!! Seriously you all need to get a life and shut the hell up!!

You see, I have been on both sides of the fence. I have been the overweight girl, the one who every guy wants to pretend to be friends with to get close to her “skinny” friends. I have heard ALL the rude, critical comments people can make…from “you’d be soooo much prettier if you only lost weight” to “you will never find happiness or a man cuz you are fat”.

REALLY!?!?!?

And now that I have lost weight and have got healthy…now I get the opposite…sometimes I wonder which is worse!! I had a EX-friend of mine from my heavy days ask me to REGAIN my weight cuz when we went out, she no longer got all the attention (can we say shallow)! I have people tell me now that I am TOO skinny and that I have to stop losing weight to just make others happy (i.e., a guy). Or my favorite…the guys that knew me before, who come to me now wanting to date me! Seriously…get a clue!!

You see, I am the same EXACT person I was at 275 as I am at 145!! If anything, I am MUCH wiser and don’t put up with the BS people dish out!!

This is what I think about people who criticise and down graded the people around them. THEY ARE THE ONES WITH ISSUES!! THEY are the ones who are shallow, have low self esteem and are unhappy!

You see it wasn’t that I wanted to be heavy, but life circumstances got to me. I had 2 serious car accidents that left me in a lot of pain. I also had a really bad relationship that caused some crap too. It didn’t matter if someone said negative crap to me or positively lifted me up everyday. I was stuck in this rut…but I liked it there…at the time I felt safe. Well, then my turning point came. And it came out all on its own and that’s when I realized I needed to start making changes in my life for the better…FOR ME…not for anyone else. Though those changes would start affecting the people around me, the biggest…MY DAUGHTER! She would have a mom who would smile more, a mom who would live a lot longer, a mom who wouldn’t tell her, “sorry I am too exhausted to sit up and read with you” (yes, I really said that)! So I took charge and changed my mindset…NOT THE PERSON I WAS.

I love who I am, I am happy with who I am. I also love who I was because it made me appreciate who I am now. Everyone has their vices in life. You can’t make anyone change…it is completely and utterly UP TO THEM!! Do I have things on my body I would like to “fix”..of course…when u are heavy for 14 years…and lose over 100 pounds there is ALOT of loose skin. But I don’t want to do it for vanity purposes, its more because it is uncomfortable and an annoyance. I could even careless how I went from a 36D to a 34B…I would rather spend $45 on a great bra then $7000 on fake boobs, especially when that money can go to my daughters college education! I am not against cosmetic surgery, nor the people who decide to do it. Again, it is their own choice, no one can make it for them! But if you do it (cosmetic surgery)…own it. Don’t try and pretend or act like you busted your ass to look that way. It’s probably why I love Patricia Heaton, she owns it…she has no problem telling the world she has had work done…that is what makes the difference!

Well…I guess this is enough for now. I will keep doing my lunges and glute work to try and give myself an ass, I will continue to do cardio to lower my body fat and I will continue to be the person I always have been…NOT FOR YOU…BUT FOR ME!!! Keep loving yourself and be true to yourself…in the end it is all that matters anyway!! 🙂

Just when I thought…

Just when I thought I was “BIONIC” my body reminds me OVER and OVER again…that though I might have TONS of NEW METAL inside my body holding me together. Those same foreign pieces of metal destroy me too!!

I went back to my WODs today after taking my 48 hours away as my Dr ordered! (yea, I actually listened)!!

So I started out doing my strength WOD ~
5×5 Front Squat (65~70~75~80~90)
5×5 Shoulder Press (45~50~55~65~75)
5×5 Clean (55~60~65~70~75)

Not bad for basically doing absolutely NO STRENGTH WORK for almost over 2 weeks!!! I had to take it slow and steady. I’m glad coach didn’t have any jerks or dead lifts because I’m not allowed to do them right now, but yet again he wouldn’t know that!

Then it was time for the WOD ~ “Arnie”
Well there is ABSOLUTELY NO POINT even writing out the WOD since I couldn’t do ANY OF IT!! (This is where I want a YELL button on here!) I am so pissed! I want so bad to train. To find my NEW normal! I feel like every time I get going and make headway…I get a freakin’ new procedure done that is supposed to help, but instead it throws me back 100 steps!! I tried every technique drill and ended up in tears from the pain!

Now I get to get more upset!!! I’m throwing my coach under the bus…YEP…put aside the COACH title…you are also MY FRIEND…WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN!?  UUUUGGGGHHHHH!!!

PLAN Z

So yesterday I went and started the first series of 3 procedures that my pain management doctor is trying (as I call it PLAN Z) to see if this will take any of my chronic pain away!

I call it PLAN Z…because this is it…there are NO more options left…no other type of procedures…no other kinds of medications….the only other type of things left will be surgeries!! And I am NOT going there…not yet…SURGERY IS NOT AN OPTION…I have had my fair share! At least so far….let’s see I have had 9 in 9 years…I think my body deserves a break. I WILL NOT give in or GIVE UP! I will JUST DEAL! I will deal with the daily pain I am in. I will deal with the CHRONIC PAIN that I am in. Between nerve pain, tingling, numbness, stabbing pain, dullness, sharpness, cramping, joint stiffness…I WILL DEAL!!  As much as I HATE taking all the meds I take…I WILL take them…all 15 pills a day to function!! I will down them everyday!!

So I will go thru this…I will deal with it and see if it works!!! We shall see……

The first…to get to know a little about me!!

I am so STOKED!!! The time is FINALLY here!!! I NEVER thought it would be to tell the honest truth!!! Let me give you a little backing….

I have a friend, Kevin, out in Fresno, California who turned me onto CrossFit back in early 2008…it’s all I heard from him!!! He is a firefighter out there and has opened his own CrossFit FTF gym in Fresno. At the time, I was in the law enforcement academy and decided it wouldn’t be a good idea to start while in the academy, so I decided to wait until after I graduated (Sept 2008). Then after speaking with Kevin, we decided that it would be better for me to wait until after my Field Training (16 weeks), to really start because my schedule would be literally ALL OVER THE PLACE! So come the first of the year (Feb 2009)…I would be a CrossFitter for life!!! I couldn’t wait…I couldn’t wait to see what it was going to do to my training for my triathlons (I had a goal…an Ironman in 2010!!!). I couldn’t wait to see what it was going to do for my body as a whole…health wise and physical wise…I couldn’t wait to push my body to it’s limit and BEYOND!!

Well then December 21, 2008 happened…

I was severely injured in the line of duty. I was hospital bound for a month, stuck in traction and ended up having 6 surgeries in 2 months. At the end of it all, I had 4 pelvic fractures…2 in the front that are now being held together by a steel plate and 2 at my sacral joint on my left side being held together by 2 very long screws. I also had a brain injury that I am still dealing with, but am blessed that it was to the front section of my brain and not the back part!! I was wheelchair bound for a while, then on a walker and then a cane and now I am walking (with a limp, but I am walking). (Also a little more background…this was not my first severe accident…in 1993, I suffered 9 pelvic fractures, a broken tailbone and was filleted open all over my left side…I almost died and was hospital and bed bound for over a year and had to relearn how to walk all over again, I was 18. Then in 2000 (at 25), I severed my spinal cord, which is now fused from L3-S1, and had multiple facial injuries which required multiple surgeries.)

So that leaves me to now…it is almost 17 months POST accident….and I made the call to Kevin, with A LOT of hesitation, but I HAD NO CHOICE, I needed to do my own recovery and rehab since workmans comp wasn’t paying for physical therapy. I needed CrossFit to see what it could do for me and what I could do around my limitations!!! I was not going to let anymore Dr’s ONCE AGAIN tell me I couldn’t do something!! (I listened to it SOOOOO MANY times before). So needless to say…I have NO DOUBT in my mind that I’m going to be a CrossFitter for the rest of my life!!

Then it was time to do some serious thinking….

Here is what I know:

I know right now that I take TOO MANY MEDS!!! I am in CHRONIC PAIN! Will that ever go away…I don’t know…but this is what I do know…I want to get off of them…I hate them!!! I hate being tied to them!! I hate bone injections…I hate ANY injections for that matter!!

I know that this is NOT going to be easy…that I WILL be sore…HELL I haven’t used these muscles in over a year!! They have no clue what they hell I am doing to them, atrophy sucks. But what I do know is that there is a thing called “muscle memory”…our body is amazing when it comes to that!!

I know that there will be days that my body will want to “shut down”…but that is when my MIND has to tell it other wise! MIND OVER MATTER!! I know what my limits are…I know what the difference between uncomfortable pain and REAL TRUE PAIN is.

I know that I have to make sacrifices. (But haven’t I already) Haven’t I sacrificed for 17 months my emotional and mental well being??? NOW IT’S TIME TO GET REFOCUSED!!! Set new goals.

I know that I will never be the same. I know that I might never run the same, bike the same, or lift the same weight amounts. BUT this is what I do know…I am finding the new NORMAL for me…maybe there is a NEW way of running (CrossFit POSE style…can’t wait to try this one out…a tad scared), instead of my Trek…I might have to sell it and get the sit down style bike, and as for lifting…my upper body is strong…you be on a walker carrying your weight around for 5 months…YOUR ARMS WILL LOOK AMAZING!! (LMAO!!)!!

So…how did I come up with my Blog Name, here it is…I am excited about where my life is heading….at least personally!!! It takes dedication, commitment, sacrifice…but most importantly for me it takes courage (ask anyone who sees me try something on my left leg for the first time since the accident…FEAR IS WRITTEN ALL ACROSS IT!), but I am willing…after all I am, as the guys say, “THE BIONIC WOMAN“!!!