September 25, 2017

All thanks goes to my Doctors and Simon, on this one!

who am iYou are probably sitting there pondering why would I write a blog about the childhood game from our past. Well, easy, it became a vital part of my future.

In my last accident in December 2008, I also suffered from a TBI, traumatic brain injury. Though only a moderate TBI, it was to the front temporal lobe of my brain.

front temporal lobe

Let me give you a little medical background to this first, so then you can understand the rest of this. The front temporal lobe is a component of the cerebral system, which basically directs our behavior. It is the part of the brain that deciphers between good and bad choices, along with recognizing the consequences of those choices. It also triggers irritability, mood swings and an inability to regulate behavior. Another common impairment is memory, both long and short term. An injury to this area of the brain can lead to deficits in anticipation, goal selection, planning, initiation, sequencing, detecting errors and self-correction.  

Now with all that being said, why Simon?

That long lost childhood memory game became my saving grace! Literally!

You see my TBI went unnoticed for over 6 months. It wasn’t until my dad asked one of my doctors “When am I going to get my daughter back?” My doctor looked at him strangely, especially since I was sitting RIGHT NEXT to my dad when he said this. You see, what my dad meant was, the daughter he knew before the accident, is not in the woman sitting next to him. Things are different, a little off, or the easy way to put it “She is not Sue.”

Let me explain the meaning behind my dad’s words. Before my accident, I was always on my toes, I could calculate things in my head, I remembered EVERYTHING (which sucks at times), I never had to write things down, I laughed (a lot), I was a social butterfly. You get the picture. The daughter sitting next to him now was a roller coaster of emotions, couldn’t remember to take medications, let alone remember simple everyday tasks, like flushing a toilet or to brush my teeth. Forget counting money, running errands or going grocery shopping! Can you say NIGHTMARE!?!  I also lost a section of my memory, from about 2001 to 2005. There are a lot of just dead spaces that I just can’t recall. The worst is meeting someone again that I haven’t seen since then and NOT remembering how we met, but knowing I know them. FRUSTRATING!!

So this led my doctor to order some tests, one being an MRI of my brain. Can you believe they never did that the night of my accident after having trauma to my head? Well three days later, my dad received his answer, I had a TBI that has been left untreated, so it was still causing damage. My doctor stated that it would be reversible, but he’s wasn’t sure by how much and it would take me longer, now that I was already delayed in getting diagnosed. So it began, my venture into Cognitive Rehab. I never felt so frustrated and alone than I did during this process.  I had rehab 3 days a week, along with homework I had to do at home, it was just like physical therapy, but only with my brain. The things I was doing, were things children were learning in kindergarten. I felt extremely stupid, in a part of my brain, I knew the answers, but I couldn’t get them out. I was known for my attention to detail, remembering the smallest of facts and details to a case, but now I couldn’t even remember 3 items (written and picture) on a shopping list. This went on for weeks and weeks. This is also when I purchased my first smartphone, talk about a complete lifesaver it turned out to be. I would sit down every morning and set my alarms to go off for every medication (remember at this time I was taking 9 different ones, 24 pills in all for just one day) I had to take and which one I needed to take at that time along with the dosage. Then if I had errands to run, I literally mapped it out and did a task where I could check off as I went. Now why did I have to map it out, well because even though lived in the same city for over 30 years, I couldn’t pin point where locations were anymore, sad but true.

Then I was told by my doctor to download apps and get memory inducing games, like Simon. Well, wouldn’t you know it, once a master at Simon as a child, I failed at miserably now. To the point I chucked the game across my room several times and screamed that it lied!

Simon

Well, now let’s jump ahead one year from that point…I have almost all my short term memory function back, I still am missing gaps of memory throughout that block of years, my emotions have finally even keeled themselves to the point of where I can recognize when I go from one quick extreme to the other and I stop it. Was all this frustrating, hell yeah it was, you feel like you are standing outside your body looking in and wondering where the hell you went to. It’s even more frustrating trying to explain it to people when you couldn’t even understand it yourself. I lost a ton of “so-called” friends throughout this phase in my recovery from my accident, but I also had some amazing ones who would sit with me and try to help me get my memories back of the times I had forgotten about.

You truly never appreciate a part of your body until that part is injured or taken away from you. I am blessed that my TBI was not as severe as it could have been and that I have about 90% of what I damaged, healed. So in the end…yeah, I’ll take it!!! 

Sometimes you just have to….

WALK AWAY!!!

I am usually the one who keeps trying and trying to make a friendship/relationship work…and I am always the one who ends up getting walked out on. You see, it’s because I inherited this wonderful trait from my father. I am one to stick it out, get walked on, forgive over and over, let things slide, keep my mouth shut to appease someone and give too many chances!

I will admit that I finally, over the past 3 years, have started walking away before I let someone take everything from me. It’s funny…how is it, when I get waked away from, I never say anything rude about that individual. I realize I did everything in my human power to make things work/fix things, it just didn’t happen and this was what was supposed to occur. YET, when I walk away…the tongue lashing I receive (behind my back, of course) is absolutely horrendous! What I like best is when I get called names that don’t even “fit”…if you know me then you know the names that don’t fit! I am blunt honest (sometimes brutally), but isn’t that what we all should be. I call things like I see them, I am not asking for you to agree, to do as I say…but it’s just my thought/opinion. (I have noticed though the more truthful I am, the more the other person (who is lying to themselves) gets upset with me….but frankly I don’t care if you get mad at me because I am being honest. (This would be the same person who is pissed at all the liars in their life).

If more people stopped FAKING what they want and who they are…more people could be REAL!!

I will NEVER understand…

I will NEVER understand one thing. How can someone say they sincerely apologize for what they did, but follow it with “in my heart I don’t believe I did anything”. Doesn’t the last statement take back the sincere apology? How can you be sorry for something you believe you didn’t do?

Now I know you can believe you did nothing wrong and apologize for how you made the person feel. But to say the word BUT after an apology, is a slap in the face all over again. You might as well just say “you are not worth an apology and I don’t care if I hurt your feelings.” It’s just as bad when people add BUT after saying I love you.

I do believe in saying the word BUT after I love you…only though when you are doing it for the better, I will give an example. I can love someone or even be IN love with them, but if they cheat on me or physically/emotionally abuse me, I’m out! So here is what I say “I love you, BUT I love me more.”

Now a days there are soooo many people in relationships to fill a void, an empty space. They don’t even love themselves, and if that is true, there is NO WAY you can love someone else FULLY!

Over the past couple of months, I have learned to fall in love with me. I am in love with an amazing person, who goes after the impossible (and makes it possible), that never gives up (if I fall or stumble, I getup and dust myself off and continue on), that strives for a better day every day (what else do you have to lose), who smiles through tears (and pain), who thinks of others before themselves (but not to the point of being a doormat), who will do anything for their child (yes, ANYTHING), who believes that there is no word as CAN’T or NEVER (too many people…like Doctors…throw these words out there not realizing the damaging outcome it is doing), who encourages and supports people they know and even perfect strangers (I pray that my words are encouragement…you never know who you might make an impact on)….So yes I love me…and here’s the thing…it makes me not NEED someone to love me. Do I WANT someone…sure…who doesn’t, but I want someone who makes me even better, who I can share this thing we call life with. But if that never happens…I already have the greatest of all loves…the love of my Heavenly Father!!

OMG!!! It’s happening!!! STOKED!!!

The beginning of my new life, my new career is starting. My new venture and journey officially begins Monday!!! I am so stoked, a tad nervous, but I couldn’t be more blessed!! I already have been blessed to live out one dream and passion of mine. Though that dreamed turned into a nightmare, it also was a HUGE blessing in disguise!! My new journey will give me more time with my daughter, which to me is ABSOLUTELY PRICELESS!!

I am also back on a training schedule. I am so blessed to have Amanda, not only be training with me, but encouraging me, motivating me, and praying for me. I always believed that God put certain people in your life for a reason…an awful situation led me to meeting Amanda, and from there our friendship blossomed and I couldn’t be more blessed!!

My life is good and I am loving it…and I love that God let me go through all the obstacles and climb all those mountains, so I can appreciate even the smallest of things!! I recently got out of a really unhealthy relationship, God also showed me that I don’t deserve to settle, that people will say things to ONLY make you feel the way they do. God also made me see that I am going to be having a full plate for the next 2 1/2 years and I need to focus myself and my energy on that and most importantly my daughter. There is NOTHING more important than that!!!

So sick of people opening their mouths and spewing garbage!!

I am so sick of inhumane individuals!!! Seriously you all need to get a life and shut the hell up!!

You see, I have been on both sides of the fence. I have been the overweight girl, the one who every guy wants to pretend to be friends with to get close to her “skinny” friends. I have heard ALL the rude, critical comments people can make…from “you’d be soooo much prettier if you only lost weight” to “you will never find happiness or a man cuz you are fat”.

REALLY!?!?!?

And now that I have lost weight and have got healthy…now I get the opposite…sometimes I wonder which is worse!! I had a EX-friend of mine from my heavy days ask me to REGAIN my weight cuz when we went out, she no longer got all the attention (can we say shallow)! I have people tell me now that I am TOO skinny and that I have to stop losing weight to just make others happy (i.e., a guy). Or my favorite…the guys that knew me before, who come to me now wanting to date me! Seriously…get a clue!!

You see, I am the same EXACT person I was at 275 as I am at 145!! If anything, I am MUCH wiser and don’t put up with the BS people dish out!!

This is what I think about people who criticise and down graded the people around them. THEY ARE THE ONES WITH ISSUES!! THEY are the ones who are shallow, have low self esteem and are unhappy!

You see it wasn’t that I wanted to be heavy, but life circumstances got to me. I had 2 serious car accidents that left me in a lot of pain. I also had a really bad relationship that caused some crap too. It didn’t matter if someone said negative crap to me or positively lifted me up everyday. I was stuck in this rut…but I liked it there…at the time I felt safe. Well, then my turning point came. And it came out all on its own and that’s when I realized I needed to start making changes in my life for the better…FOR ME…not for anyone else. Though those changes would start affecting the people around me, the biggest…MY DAUGHTER! She would have a mom who would smile more, a mom who would live a lot longer, a mom who wouldn’t tell her, “sorry I am too exhausted to sit up and read with you” (yes, I really said that)! So I took charge and changed my mindset…NOT THE PERSON I WAS.

I love who I am, I am happy with who I am. I also love who I was because it made me appreciate who I am now. Everyone has their vices in life. You can’t make anyone change…it is completely and utterly UP TO THEM!! Do I have things on my body I would like to “fix”..of course…when u are heavy for 14 years…and lose over 100 pounds there is ALOT of loose skin. But I don’t want to do it for vanity purposes, its more because it is uncomfortable and an annoyance. I could even careless how I went from a 36D to a 34B…I would rather spend $45 on a great bra then $7000 on fake boobs, especially when that money can go to my daughters college education! I am not against cosmetic surgery, nor the people who decide to do it. Again, it is their own choice, no one can make it for them! But if you do it (cosmetic surgery)…own it. Don’t try and pretend or act like you busted your ass to look that way. It’s probably why I love Patricia Heaton, she owns it…she has no problem telling the world she has had work done…that is what makes the difference!

Well…I guess this is enough for now. I will keep doing my lunges and glute work to try and give myself an ass, I will continue to do cardio to lower my body fat and I will continue to be the person I always have been…NOT FOR YOU…BUT FOR ME!!! Keep loving yourself and be true to yourself…in the end it is all that matters anyway!! 🙂